taste, smell, thought

you know you have reached the state when there is no turning back. when pretty people, lovely conversation, witty repartee, cheese, chocolate, coffee, and a million other representatives of metro culture induced happiness don't work. not even the anonymity. you think have a good time when its happening. rather you don't have to think. and that is a relief.

but then you crawl back into your dingy room, look at the piles of dirty undies, damned dead insects, cigarette stench and then you wonder....if real isn't here and now...if life isn't meant to be anything different from the stinking rat hole you painfully get used to. what is real is the open drain outside your house, the smell of urine on trains, the crotch-scratching man at the station, the empty kitchen and belly.

people come and people go. but you have to live with yourself. the thick coating of nicotine thickened saliva in your inner mouth, the urine you smell even around loud perfume - THAT my friend, stays with you forever.

it might help to imagine other people naked. but with such an ugly taste in your mouth, the grotesqueness takes you to new levels. see? i watch tv and try to change my thoughts. its a positive effort.

there must be a way to take your brain out of head and leave it aside for a while. the ones who are born like that are happy. they don't need to learn to be daft. life is simple. i am hungry now. i want to sleep now. i can't read. i don't like it. A doesn't think much of me. B does. I like B. its a lovely ride!


the trick is to not expect anything from anyone. everyone is fun in small measures. once that wears out, you move on. you have a million cliches to give as reasons. pick one out. and fling it at the world. this way atleast you get plenty of sex. or not. but who cares. the foreground constantly changes.